I Hope Kak is Dancing With Charlie: Tribute to a Beloved Grandmother

Kak & Charlie on Wedding Day

Hubs' beloved grandmother passed away two weeks ago. She was 91 and an amazing woman - strong and courageous. She lived alone since her husband Charlie died 20 years ago.

She and Charlie moved into the old brick farmhouse over 50 years ago.  That is where she wanted to spend her last days and she displayed incredible determination and strength to achieve that goal.

Kak, as the family called her, got her wish, passing peacefully in her home with one of her sons and grandsons at her side.  My husband was on his way to be with her but was still 15 minutes from her house when the call came that she was gone.

Kak wasn't well for the past year,  but she managed alone in the house with the help of her son and his wife who lived nearby. During this time she also managed another amazing feat of strength and will power. She created a method for her sons to be sure her treasured antiques were passed on in the family.

Plate labelled with my name

Kak laboriously wrote names on tape and labelled all the beautiful antiques, furniture and family heirlooms in her two-storey farmhouse.

What she couldn't label, she wrote out by hand - a huge list of items (an inventory really) with a description of each, and who that specific item was to go to. Her list has notes such as "Painting of young girl in rose coloured dress, antique oak frame - for Susie" 


You'd have to have seen Kak's home to realize what a monumental task this was. She had a beautiful home filled with antiques - furniture, china, paintings, clocks, etc. I wish we'd taken pictures of the rooms while they were intact. 

In the last two weeks before her death, one of her grandsons came to stay with her to help with her care. Under her direction he wrote out dozens and dozens of labels to attach to small items she had not yet gotten to.

Together they went through drawers of postcards, cards and letters she'd been saving since the 1930s. He spent afternoons reading her old postcards to her, an activity that seemed to bring her great joy. Memories were triggered when he read these notes from friends and family long dead.

One of Kak's Ladies

Sadness overwhelmed us as hubs' unpacked one of the boxes with items Kak had labelled for him. Holding her beloved "Ladies" - from her collection of Royal Dalton Figurines - was hard to do.

The realization that these Ladies, so beloved by Kak who knew every  name of every figure, would never be displayed in her home again, or dusted lovingly by her hands, hit hard. But we will treasure those items forever.

And so time moves on. Items loved and treasured by Kak are being distributed to her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. Hopefully they will continue to be treasured and passed on in the family as Kak wanted.

It is the natural cycle of life but it's not easy accepting that Kak's time on earth has ended and that her treasures are now in our safe-keeping. Her torch has been extinguished but how lucky we all were to have had her in our lives. She'll always be in our minds and hearts.

I hope you're dancing with Charlie, Kak!

Grandma's Ruby Ring

This was my Grandmother Ruth's Ruby ring. I've written before about my Grandmother before in posts "Happy Birthday Grandma Ruth", My Missing Grandmother and other stories. From the time I can remember Grandma told me it would be mine one day. When Grandma passed away in 1985 the ring went to my cousin and I was devastated.

Grandma loved that ring and wore it every day. It personified her for me as she loved the colour red and even into her 80s she wore red pantsuits with a crisp white blouse. And topping it off - the ruby ring.

I have not seen the ring in the past 25 years. My cousin went into a nursing home a few years ago and I wondered what happened to the ring. Well, this Christmas my 87 year old aunt (my cousin's mother) joined us for a family dinner. Much to my astonishment she took me aside and pulled out the Ruby ring, saying "This was always meant to be yours when Mother died" then handed the ring to me. The tears flowed freely as I slipped the ring on my finger.

I am so grateful to my auntie and so happy to feel the strong connection to my Grandmother again.

Grandma with her 3 Daughters

In honour of Mother's Day - My grandmother with her three daughters.



From left to right: my aunt, my mother, my grandmother and my aunt

Happy Birthday Grandma Ruth!

Happy Birthday Grandma Ruth. You would be 116 years old today if you were still with us.

My grandmother Ruth Ethel Simpson was born March 30, 1894 in Ramsgate England. She was called Dolly by her family because she looked like a little procelain doll.
When Ruth was 19 years old she left England for Ontario Canada with her fiance Charles Fuller, also 19. In May 1913 Charles and Ruth sailed on the Cunard Line ship AUSONIA from Southampton to Montreal then on to Quebec, Canada. They made their way to Toronto to Ruth's brother, and one year later in August 1914 they were married.

Charles and Ruth moved to Guelph Ontario where they raised three daughters but in 1941 after 27 years of a happy marriage, Charles died. Two years later in February 1943 Grandma Ruth married again to Sam Richardson who we called Daddy Sam. Another 12 years went by but Sam died in 1955. This time Grandma remained a widow less than a year before she married for the third time to Alfred (Fred) Bates a widower who worked in the same store as Grandma.

Grandma and Fred had 14 years together before he also died. Grandma was 76 years old and much to my surprise she did not marry again! I fully expected her to marry a fourth time. Grandma went to live with my mom and aunt after Fred died and then embarked on an adventure. The three ladies, all widows, sold their belongings, bought a motor home (a Winnebago) and began to travel. Mother drove, Lily (her sister) did the cooking and housework and Grandma Ruth knit, crocheted and watched the scenery.

In January 1985 Grandma Ruth passed away at the age of 91. She was fun, vivacious, loved the colour red and almost always wore a red pantsuit in later years. She was a terrific grandmother and I miss her a lot.

My Missing Grandmother Found!

Recently I posted about my grandmother's missing ashes. Grandma died in Owen Sound in 1985 and was supposed to be interred with my grandfather in Guelph, and a marker attached to his tombstone. But there was no marker and the Cemetery has no record of a burial anywhere in their cemetery for her.

My parents were to be interred in the same plot. Their marker was completed and added last week. So earlier in the week I took my mother and father's ashes to Guelph for their interment. I decided that on my return home I would start phoning funeral homes in Owen Sound and look for an obituary for Grandma (thanks to readers for helpful suggestions on how to find my grandmother!)

Much to our surprise, when the plot was opened for my parents' ashes, the gravedigger found an unexpected urn. A label read "Ruth Bates" - my grandmother! But the urn was not buried at the depth the Cemetery requires and their conclusion is that someone (my uncle no doubt) surreptiously interred Grandma without notifying the cemetery. That would explain the lack of a marker, which my auntie (Grandma's daughter) swore she and her husband ordered. It seems my uncle did some digging on his own, then fibbed to my aunt about the marker.

The cemetery assured me they would not remove Grandma's urn with ashes, nor would they bill me for her interment. They have added her name to their records and suggested I have either a bronze marker added to the reverse of the tombstone, or have her name and years of birth and death carved on the front below my grandfather's.

Apparently interring a loved one without going through the cemetery is becoming more prevalent! As a genealogist I don't like this - it leaves no record for future generations, and there is no marker to note that this person ever lived. I have to be honest and say that I also think it's unethical to try to bypass paying the cemetery their fee for interment. But in this case, I'm glad that Uncle didn't just toss Grandma out the car window rather than pay the fee! At least we know where she is and my siblings and I can have her name added to the stone.

Now my mother, her parents and my father are all interred together and can finally rest in peace.

My Missing Grandmother

My Grandmother died in January 1985. She was cremated and then interred in Guelph Ontario (or so I thought until yesterday). I had actually thought she was buried in Owen Sound which is where she died. I know - as a genealogist you'd think I would have known for sure but I made an assumption.

In early 1985 I was quite ill and eventually had an operation, so when my grandmother died I was, to say the least, distracted. My mother and her older sister (Grandma's two eldest daughters) were in Florida and so their youngest sister, who lived in Owen Sound, handled all the arrangements. She (the youngest sister, my aunt) told me just last month that Grandma was actually buried with her first husband in Guelph, in the plot where my mother and father's ashes are being interred this week. Auntie said that she and her husband had a bronze plaque made for Grandma and it was attached to the tombstone.

I had a plaque made for my mom and dad and the cemetery placed it on the tombstone so my brother drove up to see it on the weekend. I asked him to have a look at Grandma's plaque and take a picture for me. On Saturday he phoned me from the cemetery to say "There's no plaque here except the one for mom and dad!" I was dumfounded but thought perhaps Auntie hadn't had a plaque done at all, or maybe Grandma was buried with one of her other husbands (she was married three times). So I phoned the cemetery but to my dismay they said Grandma was not in that plot with Grandpa. Nor was she anywhere in the cemetery under any name.

This was quite upsetting, as Auntie, although she is 86, is sharp as a tack. I doubted she would be confused over where her mother's ashes were placed! I phoned my older sister to ask what she remembered of Grandma's death, and had she gone to a service for her. I figured a service would have been held wherever Grandma was interred. But sis had moved that year to another province and so she knew very little. So I phoned my older brother but all he could recall was that yes, a service had been held but for some reason he'd been unable to go so didn't know where it took place.

After some thought, I called auntie and casually asked her if I was mixed up about Grandma's resting place, as there was no plaque on Grandpa's tombstone. No, she said, Grandma was laid to rest with her father (Grandma's first husband) and the family had gone to a graveside service. I was not going to tell her that her mother was missing so I tried to casually get more details from her. What emerged is very puzzling and I am hoping by writing about it here, readers might have some ideas for me on what I should or could do next.

Auntie said that when Grandma died, she and her husband (my uncle) were in Cuba and so their oldest son had to take care of things until they returned in March. Auntie said the ashes were kept by the Funeral Home (she couldn't recall the name) until March - but very unwillingly. Apparently the Funeral Home wanted to be paid for the cremation and storage of ashes as they said they didn't normally keep ashes and they wanted them out. But Auntie said Uncle couldn't pay until they came back in March and please be patient.

After their return home in March, Auntie said arrangements were made to have Grandma interred in Guelph and a plaque made. This is where it gets fuzzy as I could not ask WHO made the arrangements and HOW the ashes got to Guelph, without arousing Auntie's suspicions.

My next call was to her oldest son, my cousin. He said that all he was responsible for was clearing out Grandma's room in the Old Age Home where she was living. He had no money to pay the Funeral Home and knew his father would pay in March so he had no dealings with them (the Funeral Home) He did not know about a service, for some reason he had not attended. But he supported my belief that his mother (my aunt) is not confused, she's sharp as a tack and if she says her mother was to be buried in Guelph with her first husband, then that is what she was told.

I can't think of anyone else in the family I can ask. My mother and her sister are gone now, and they were not home from Florida in time for a service held in March/April anyway. My other cousins (Grandma's grandchildren) are either estranged from the family, in nursing homes themselves, or simply unavailable. My uncle, who would have paid the Funeral Home, is also deceased.

My plan is to phone every Funeral Home in Owen Sound and ask if they handled arrangements for my grandmother in January 1985. But that's a slim hope, the Funeral Home may not even be in existence any more. However I don't know what to do next.

I have to wonder if Uncle simply disposed of the ashes and told his wife (my aunt) that he'd had her mother interred in Guelph. If Auntie didn't actually witness the interment, she would have had no way of knowing that the ashes were not there when they held the service. And yes, that is something that Uncle might very well have done.

My second thought is that Uncle paid the Funeral Home bill, refused to take the ashes, and the Funeral Home disposed of them. Is that legal? I suspose a Funeral Home has to have some way of properly disposing of ashes that family members don't pick up. Or would the Funeral Home simply have kept the ashes for these past 24 years?? I kind of doubt it but I'm hoping that is what happened

My third thought is that the Funeral Home pulled a fast one, and told the family that they had arranged interment in Guelph, but never did. That's a tough one to swallow as there could be huge legal problems for them if they had been found out so I'm not really sold on that scenario!

Auntie did say that the Funeral Home manager was "quite horrible" and that he kept after them in February and first of March for his money and for someone to pick up Grandma's ashes, even though Uncle kept saying that he had no way to get the money to them while he was in Cuba.

So this is my question to readers of my blog - what do I do now? How do I find out what happened to my beloved Grandmother? And what do I tell Auntie? I don't want to tell her that her mother is missing. I also don't want to tell her that there's a chance her husband lied to her about her mother's interment! She knows there is no plaque (I knew she would see there wasn't one at the Memorial for my mom and dad in May, and I didn't want her to have that upset as well as just the normal emotions around burying her sister!) and while she's puzzled, she's not too upset (yet).

My sister thinks we should have a new plaque made and installed on the tombstone even though Grandma is not there, but I have a feeling the Cemetery won't allow that, as we just had mom and dad's plaque installed on that tombstone.

Any ideas for me? I'm very distressed by Grandma's disappearance as she always talked about how she would be laid to rest "With Charlie" her first husband, and how much that meant to her.